Film sex can't be as good as it looks ... 31st May 2015
We’ve all been there, awkward sounds due to hot, sticky bodies rubbing together, head butting each other when you get a little too carried away, getting cramp when you’re this close to coming, attempting the Chinese fire drill and kicking someone where they really don’t deserve to be kicked. Sex feels great but I can’t imagine it looks great – a reason why sex tapes have long since baffled me – so how come in films it looks so darn hot?! Perfect figures for a start, camera angles so that the nasty bits are hidden and of course make up is re-applied every 10 minutes to ensure the sweaty-but-attractive look is successful …
Of course, sex is enormously jazzed up in the media, I mean … seriously, can you imagine if it wasn’t? They’d need to class the scenes as Double X-rated and warn audiences of extreme shame, horror and guilt. Might be a good idea to provide sick bags too. If sex in films were anything like it is in real life, the Hollywood glamour and desire would disappear quicker than you can scream “I’m coming” .. and let’s face it, sometimes? It happens pretty fucking quickly.
Unrealisitic bodies. Okay, sure there are those lucky people who are so goddam gorgeous that they have muscles in all the right places, their booty is perfectly perky and nothing jiggles where it’s not supposed to. But if they do? We wouldn’t see it anyway because the guys hand is placed in the right position, the sheet is delicately thrown over to cover it, or the camera man sneakily misses it so we sit there wishing we had their perfect sex lives as well as their figures. Whilst stuffing our faces with chocolate. Alone …
Characters are psychic. In films they just seem to immediately know exactly what the other person likes and exactly how to get there. Like come on, no one figures it out that quickly.
The same pace. Everyone knows sex gets faster as you keep going. Right at the end there tends to be a good pounding as you both climax – I’ve never seen this in a movie, unless you include porn. Oh nooo, they keep it nice and slow, and the shots fade in and out of each other to show seconds, minutes and hours passing. Not only would they be very sore by now, they’d be a lot sweatier, her make-up would 100% not still be perfectly intact and they would be going at it like an F1 driver just hoping that they’d finish. If he’s kept it up that is.
Shower sex made easy. Sounds like such a sexy idea, and directors do an insane job of making it look just that. Oh yeah, for sure. It’s all fun and games until you get water in your eye mid-blowjob and have to bobble your head around aimlessly hoping to find your friend again. I swear for those 3 seconds, you never feel more lost. And then theres the space issue, showers are not built for two people, and definitely not built for two people mounting each other. Lean against the wall you say? Yeah. That’s what I thought. And then I figured out a shower wall is exactly like a water slide when covered in .. well, water. Luckily, no shampoo bottles were pointing upright.
Food. t’s not hot, and it’s not fun. It’s sticky, and stains everything and before you know it you’ve got food stuck in places that you don’t want it to be stuck. But in films, it doesn’t. It just goes exactly where they want it to go – they don’t get any in a mess and if they do? It’s all cute and romantic and easily cleaned up by a cheeky lick or lovey-dovey finger rub. An ice cube though? That I can do.
Sex in the kitchen. So spontaneous, so kinky. A must-have on everyone’s bucket list, right? I’m all for having sex in exotic places. But there is nowhere, and I mean, nowhere that you can have sex in the kitchen and be comfortable. I know I’m supposed to be young and totally down for it but, you want exotic sex? Take me to a 5* hotel in Bali and we’ll do it on our 5* balcony with our 5* view of the 5* ocean and eat 5* food in our 5* Queen size bed afterwards. Don’t throw me on to a rock hard freezing cold floor and expect to me thank you.
They’re both in the mood. You can’t tell me you’ve never been horny and your other half hasn’t been. It doesn’t take much to change their mind, of course, but it’s not often that we both just look at each other and BAM we’re ripping each others clothes off. Someone has to make the move.
Remember, the sex scenes? They’re not enjoying it as much as they seem. You know how amazingly you can fake it to save an awkward moment on a one night stand, or to make him feel better because he’s clearly trying so hard? That’s exactly what they’re doing. Acting.
Take it from Joey Tribianni: “If there’s chemistry on-stage, there’s definitely no chemistry off-stage” .. We all underestimated his wisdom.
Post-chat groping please 8th April 2015
“I don’t understand how he gets so many girls. He just goes and says hi and they pounce. How the fuck does that work?” A quote from a close guy friend. Yes, unfortunately, he is being completely serious.
I’m all for seize-the-moment sex and spontaneity, but if you don’t know me, it’s never going to be okay for you to squeeze, smack, tickle, stroke or grope my backside. Funnily enough, if I’m on a night out, usually my goal is to keep as far away as possible from the sleazy, swag-obsessed creatures we call ‘guys’. However, on the off chance one catches my eye, there’s a moment, perhaps I’m intrigued. Never, and I mean never, have I thought “ohhh I wish he swoops on over with his laddish walk and digs his fingertips so violently into my arse cheeks that I have bruises to show tomorrow”. Never.
It would actually be refreshing for a guy to simply say “hello”. Probably the most likely conversation starter, one that might actually get me thinking you’re a decent guy who I’d like to flirt with. Talk to me first, grab my arse later. Trust me, if I find you interesting, I’m far more likely to let you.
My drunken-self is ,of course, not the most attractive of all things you might see on a night out which may mean the chances of this delightful scenario happening become a little slimmer. But gropes?
Sophisticated Sluttiness 5th March 2015
Maybe you’re boyfriend wants you to dress up, maybe you feel sexier wearing stockings and suspenders rather than tights, or perhaps your not-so-guilty pleasure is prancing around the house and cooking in a corset because you’re so damn hot …
Whoever you are, all of us come to a point in our lives when we’ve bought our first ‘special outfit’ and we’re in the bathroom attempting to understand how it goes together. Here’s how to make sure your attempt to be irresistible doesn’t make you come across like a gagging-for-it mess.
1. You’ve got to feel like you own it and you’re working it – pick something that you think you look sexy in. If you walk in feeling hotter than you’ve ever felt, chances are you look it too.
2. Less is more. If you haven’t realised, guys like boobs. They aren’t fussed about you covering them up in layers of pretty lace, they just want to look at tits – the half cup bras are perfect for this. Perfectly rounded, perky breasts and no awkward fumbling of the hooks so he can get a proper feel.
3. Go crotchless. So you’re wearing a corset that holds your burger belly in and covers up the cellulite that’s soooooo not sexy? No problem! Keep on your lacy bodice of attractiveness and have sex anyway. You also don’t have to worry about seductively bending over to remove said underwear in the most alluring way you can imagine, at the same time as making sure the angles right so your arse looks amazing and they can’t see the multiple mini roles of belly that appear – amazing invention.
4. Try wearing it throughout the day. This way there’s no awkward pausing whilst you go and ‘freshen up’ in the bathroom and we all know wearing lingerie makes you walk around as if you’re a sex goddess. And do you have any idea how fit it is to drop your normal day-to-day outfit to find suspenders galore? It’s like a sudden reveal of a secret – a turn on for you and him.
5. Don’t be afraid to stick a couple of toes over the line of your comfort zone. Yes, I’ve already said you’ve gotta feel sexy, but that doesn’t mean don’t let yourself try new things. There’s a whole universe of bedroom wardrobes and who-ever you’re with already thinks you’re hot or you wouldn’t even be considering dressing up for them. Take a chance bitches …
6. Tighty-whitey’s are a no-no. I’m not a fan of a guy in super skimpy boxers, and definitely not speedos, but that goes for us girls as well. Yes, the 5 pack of Marks & Spencers white cotton panties your Nan bought you are practical and comfortable – but are they sexy? That would be a big, fat NO. You don’t feel it wearing them so you’re not gonna look it. Just put them down, let it go …
7. Take your time. Oh trust me, last time I wore stockings and suspenders it took me nearly half an hour to attach them. I rushed it, it was kind of a last minute thing … anyway, I’m sidetracking. Ahem, where was I? Oh yeah, plan it. Know what you’re gonna wear before it comes to the night (people who say they just throw on anything are lying), I’m 100% not one of those girls who can grab anything and look good, it takes time for me to figure out which pose makes Paolo (that’s my food baby, if you can’t remember) look his flattest.
8. If they can’t see how hot you are, somethings wrong with them. If they tell you somethings wrong with it, or they don’t like how you look, not only are they rude but so bloody stupid … this close to getting a horny girl in stockings giving them oral but they ruin it. This is about having fun with each other, they’ve got to make you feel like you’re absolutely gorgeous in your underwear and you’ve got to feel it. Don’t feel pressured into it, wear whatever you want in the bedroom and if you’re with the right person, you’ll have the best night no matter what.
Let's play a game (or can we not?) 4th March 2015
Spin the wheel, roll the dice – everyone loves a game. Me and my best friend are massive (if slightly tragic) fans of monopoly. Hey, we’re even partial to a sophisticated hand of bridge (*cough* snap) with a nonchalant glass of champagne (vodka).
Of course, we also find ourselves involuntarily involved in the relationship game. The love game. The boy dilemma. The dying-for-a-shag situation. The “I-can’t-tell-him-how-I-feel-because-it’s-too-cringey” feeling. Call it what you will, you know what I’m talking about. It’s absolutely not just guys that fuck girls about, us girls love to string along a fluffer just incase we need to settle.
FYI a ‘fluffer’ is someone who you do all the couple stuff with, without actually having sex. Movie nights, meals out, family introductions, bullies you when you cry so that you laugh, drives you crazy, knows the most disgusting secrets you hide from everyone and loves you to pieces. However, the thought of your hot, steamy bodies getting together makes at least one of you want to stick needles in your eyes and hammer them in.
When it comes to guys, I like to wear the trousers – no arrogance intended. I’ve always fancied myself dominant, which can come across as me being a complete bellend and understandably, men struggle to cope with. I can’t stand all that lovey-dovey, can’t-live-without-you crap, but I want surprises. I want to control a situation but I want them to assume the male role. I want to be independent, but I want to be protected. Split personalities in their prime. Poor guys.
A serious boyfriend of mine; first to meet the family, lost the V, first ‘love’ – you know the drill – we split after 8 months. I realised the entire relationship was me babbling about shit just to fill up silences. He’d respond with a grunt, a “cool” if I was lucky, we’d shag and he’d leave. He then proved how much he wanted me by sticking his tongue down another girls throat, so that was that.
6 months down the line and I’m with someone else. We had the same sense of humour, he’s tall dark and handsome and seemed like a winner. Now, I’ve never wanted showering with compliments – bring me pizza over flowers every time – but the day you imagine someone else when we’re seeping together, or you shoot me down because I’m not hot enough to wear the barely-there vegas girls outfit you requested, is the day you’ve crossed the line. 4 Months later I wonder what the fuck I’m doing and I’m single again.
Flings here and there, some old flames, some new exciting (not so classy) stories – each lasting less than a mento before I realise one of us just can’t be bothered.
Who should come running back into the town of possibility but my ex. I’m a ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ believer, but 2 years of trying to win me back, as well as growing up and getting a hell of a lot more good looking, must be worth a second chance? Plus I tend to throw chances around like they’re going out of fashion so I suppose he was kind of due …
So, when does the game end? Why isn’t it okay for us to be straight with each other? Just say “I like you” – simple, to the point and easy to go from A to B. I used to say games keep it interesting, but only when I’m the one playing it. If you’re being played? It’s confusing and sooooo fucking boring! You’re asking yourself the same questions over and over again:
“Do I look hot enough to see him?” “Does he actually like me?” “Will he stand me up?” “Do I sound crazy if I ask that?” “Will that make it look like I care?” “Should I do that or is that a bit ‘too much’?” etceteraaa, etceteraaa …
We could try being straight with each other? Let’s not play the game I used to love so much. There’d be no guessing, or wondering. Whatever I’ve got to say, I could tell him. Okay, so I wouldn’t be as ‘dominant’ as I used to be, and maybe he’d know I’m just as into him as he is me, but perhaps, that’s not such a bad thing. I’d still be independent but when we need to, we could work together … isn’t that the whole point in being with someone?
Aren’t you bored of messing around for the sake of being ‘interesting’? If you need a game to keep it that, then maybe that person isn’t the right one.
Unless, of course, you want to play monopoly.